Adventures in a Neurologically Mixed Marriage

I have never been a dog person. Both Linda and I grew up with a combination of cats and dander allergies, so house pets

"Smiling Tan Pomerarnian" by Slant6guy at en.wikipedia. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons

“Smiling Tan Pomerarnian” by Slant6guy at en.wikipedia. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons

that didn’t spend all their time swimming in our aquarium have been out of the question. A few months ago, we moved to a property that changed everything. We share a large yard here with four loveable dogs. They greet us, protect us, entertain us, and love it when I sit outside at night and play ukulele. I finally get the whole dog thing. God, are they cute!

One thing I like about dogs is that they are honest with their intentions. A dog growls when it’s angry, whimpers when it’s sad, barks when it’s agitated and wags its tail when it’s happy to see you. If they want something from you, like food or love, they don’t beat around the bush, or try to make it seem like it was your idea in the first place and they’ll just go along with it. Maybe that’s why ASD people seem to have a special affinity for animals.

All interactions, be they between people or furry critters, are exchanges in energy. Interaction is a give and take that, ideally, both parties benefit from. Dogs exude a kind of energy that keeps the give and take equal. People are not like that.

I know, I know—there are some who would say that if an energy can’t be measured, it doesn’t exist, but go with me here. Have you ever had the experience of getting together with people, having a great time, then coming home feeling like you’ve somehow been insulted? You can usually trace it back to some snide, offhand remark that you didn’t notice when it was said but feels awful now. In an unfortunate number of human interactions, one person takes from the other, leaving the second person feeling hollow and inadequate, and questioning why they feel so depleted.

People live in a world of multilayered complexity, where the words they use are often the opposite of what is meant. This is particularly difficult for someone on the autism spectrum, where literal meanings are taken as gospel truths. Take sarcasm for example. If I’m wearing a bright red Hawaiian shirt, blue shorts, green socks and sandals, a well-meaning person might want to tell me that the combination looks hideous. A common way of expressing this would be, “Well that’s a nice combination!,” at which point I might proudly say “Thanks!,” missing the point completely.

Sarcasm or doublespeak is seen as a sign of wit and intelligence, rather than meanness or the fear of expressing yourself directly. It is my wish, not just as an Aspie but as a human being, that all people deal with each other directly. Please, just say what you mean and mean what you say. Be like a dog.

©2013 Tom and Linda Peters

Comments on: "How to Communicate with an Aspie: Be Like a Dog!" (14)

  1. It can be very soothing too, after a long day spent in the company of Ms. Read Between the Lines and Mr. Subtext, to come home, relax with your animal of choice, and interact without having to second guess their language. I can usually guess what people mean (though I still make embarrassing mistakes, even with my NT partner) but it is bloody exhausting.

    • Exhausting is the word, and it’s not just energy expended in trying to keep up with Mr. Subtext. Those people often take your all of your energy and leave you feeling utterly depleted.

      All of us need to actively seek out those who leave us feeling uplifted and positive.

  2. invisibleautistic/Robin said:

    “Have you ever had the experience of getting together with people, having a great time, then coming home feeling like you’ve somehow been insulted?” Reminds me of a Seinfeld episode. If I remember right, a character named George also had the same feeling once he got home. For the whole episode, he tried to find ways to make a witty response for his coworker’s snider remarks only to fail each time. The final time, he thought he’d succeeded…but on the drive home, he realized he’d been insulted again and he had to go back.

  3. invisibleautistic/Robin said:

    Also, when people want me to improve on something, they usually just say things like “ask more questions” but when I do that, they immediately tell me that it’s not the right question to ask. What they really wanted to say was something like, “Ask questions about why our income is abnormally high this year, not extremely detailed ones to understand every single step we took since our company started to get to where we are today.”

  4. Interesting

  5. Hi, thank you for following me back. Maybe you’d also be interested in following my new blog about my giftedness and Asperger syndrome: (sorry to post this in the comments, I didn’t find a contact page).

  6. […] post by The Aspie and the NT reminded me how vague people can get. It’s not just sarcasm, I think. It’s also what […]

  7. I think this is one of the most important info for
    me. And i’m glad reading your article. But want
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  8. sbennett0322 said:

    This is so helpful to me! Even though I would like to believe my communication with my AS husband is straightforward, this post helped me realize I need to be even MORE straightforward. It also might have encouraged me to get a dog! 🙂 Haha

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